~ Dear Depression, I'm done with you ~

Do you ever get stuck in little bouts of depression? (have you ever had to stop and think, how do you spell bout? bought? no that's buying stuff)

I've been in a funk for a little while now. Nothing huge, still operating. But sometimes you get stuck in your head, processing stuff, re-playing interactions and conversations, wishing you had said this or that.

I'd like the memory wheel to stop spinning, endlessly, especially when I'm supposed to be sleeping.

Here's my purge.

~ I miss you. I know you can't handle this, can't wrap your head around it. But I miss you.

~ How can you be so hypocritical?! You say you can't be with me because you can't accept my choices. Say that I only associate with people that agree with my perspective. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING. The same damn thing.

(um, I might be a little angry about some stuff...and might be prone to potty mouth...warning warning)

~ This "holier than thou" attitude you have lately is driving me completely insane. I did it all, I tried, I wanted it, I did everything I thought I could...but I still felt like I was dragging a heavy weight. But now, now everything is different and a light has dawned? Give me a freakin break.

~ I don't think it's a good idea. So you need to tell me your motivation? Cause I think it's only going to cause more problems...and really, I've got all I can handle right now.

~ I miss singing.

~ You are my buddy, and I am grateful everyday that you are in my life. Thanks for listening, for being a sounding board, for understanding that I just need to vent for a minute. Thanks for knowing that I don't need advice, don't need a reason, don't need a fix...I just need to get it out of my head.

~ All this has been worth it for the friendship I have found in you.

~ You will never know how much, never know how deep, never even realize what you did. And for that I am very angry with you. How could you think it didn't matter, how could you think it wasn't important. I can't believe how blind you were, can't believe that you showed that side...but you were really like this. It's astonishing to me that you think that it wouldn't happen. That is wasn't inevitable. What were you doing to avoid it? Nothing!!!

~ You surprised me. I thought you would react differently. I thought you would go the way he did, but you didn't. You saw me.

~ Just like all the rest, you left me.

~ For a religion that teaches love, acceptance, forgiveness and non-judgement...there certainly has been a lot of hate, rejection, grudges and judging.

~ Blah blah blah, that's what I hear when you talk.

~ You stepped in, when she stepped out. You actually showed me, what she was only claiming to show me. I act like I don't need it, but I do. I am so happy that we have had an opportunity.

~ Thanks for checking in. For making me feel like someone cares. For reading past and through the garble to sense that there might be something more.

~ I'm sorry. I'm trying, I don't know how, it fights against my first reaction, I'll do better.

~ I am so happy for you. No one deserves it more than you. Rock it bud, make it what you've always wanted.

~ Yes I do, no I wouldn't....

~ I knew it!! I had always suspected.

~ Really? You really think that would have made a difference? I don't.

~ I'm tired of talking about it.

~ Yes, new jeans can change an outlook.

~ When you did this, and this...and that. It hurt my feelings.

~ When you did this, and this...and that....that was awesome.

~ You have to actually ask the question, then maybe I'll consider it.

~ Yes, I will accept that cheque for a kabillion dollars.