If my definition is different than yours, does that mean I'm not really happy?
If my definition is different than yours, does that mean I'm not allowed to be happy?
If my definition is not church based, does that mean I don't have a right to be happy?
'Man are that they might have Joy'
'Judge that ye be not Judged"
"He that is without sin, cast the first stone'
Isn't that what you teach? Doesn't seem to be what you live.
As I watch my friends fall by the wayside, choose to push me out of their lives, I wonder.
"You are not the girl I used to know, you are trying to convince yourself that you're happy, when you're not. You are being controlled by Satan. I never really knew you.
This, of course, is all said via FB or email or txt. No one spends any time with me to test their iron clad theory. Everyone speaks to those that agree with them, just to solidify their decisions.
"You're cold and uncaring. You're distant and shut off. "
Let me ask you...if everyone in YOUR life shut you out, decided that you were mentally altered. Decided that the choices you had made were so repulsive that they couldn't stand the thought of associating with you. Wrote you letters and emails about how they wished you were dead...wouldn't you be a little defensive. Would you put up your walls?
Are you there when my walls break down? Are you there when I try and deal with being pushed out of the lives of all that I loved? Are you there when it becomes more than I can handle?
"You did this to yourself. " That's what I'm told over and over.
You're right, I did. I chose me. I chose to make decisions for myself. I chose to separate myself from aspects of my life. I chose to discover parts of life for myself. I chose to identify myself differently. I chose to re-evaluate my commitments and responsibilities. I chose to be with someone else. I chose to re-define the definition of my family. I chose to leave the church. I chose to escape the oppression I felt. I chose to release myself from the constant guilt put on me in my failures. I chose to remove myself from the constant expectations that are never attainable.
How long do you think a person can handle rejection? How long before you say...I'M DONE!
I'm tired of explaining myself, I'm tired of talking about it, I'm tired of the comments, and looks and judgements.
If you can't handle it, don't want me...can't accept....FINE. I am not here to beg for your love or friendship or acceptance. I will not do it anymore.
I am happy. I have found fulfillment in ways I didn't know existed. I have found or renewed friendships that fill my life. I have had people fill roles in my life vacated by others. I am peace with my thoughts. I am stronger in my commitments.
Don't call me trying to justify your rejection. Don't call me asking for explanations so that you can judge me further. Don't call me.
I give you a comment posted in reaction to a blog post about me...and I didn't write it.
I commend you for your commitment to your beliefs and your testimony. Part of your belief system is that people have agency. Agency to decide whether or not to make choices that coincide with your beliefs or not. Agency when it comes to what armor to wear and what armor to put off.
My only comment is to look past the armor, and see the person. Unconditional love is what you believe the Savior exemplified and taught as an example for us to follow.
If you truly believe what he taught then you will realize that the people he most often chose to associate with were the ones who made wrong choices. Who were in need of help, compassion, and yes, even friendship. Granted, it was easier for him to see the hearts and souls of the people he met. So we, on this earth, have to make much more effort than Him to display this unconditional love.
I know you think it's an oxymoron for me to be 'preachy' about this. But thus far, my experience with peoples reactions have been exactly the opposite of the professed unconditional love. All the way from Stake President to Bishop to friends and family.
You can profess your religion all you like, and I know that nobody is perfect and can't live all the commandments and live up to all the ideals. But if you profess it in word only, and don't live it, then you are as the Book of Mormon says, a hypocrite.
I beg you to prove me wrong. I really do, I want you to prove me wrong and surprise me.
You would be the first.
I agree with this entire post. We each have fought for our agency - the right to choose for ourselves. We do not chose our own consequences (that's the other end of a two ended stick) but when you see someone you love suffering through consequences, you don't leave them drowning, you reach out a hand of love and lift. That is what the Savior did, time and time again, and that is what we will continue to do - because we love you, will always love you, and that is not based on self imposed conditions. That's what unconditional means - it means always and forever.
ReplyDeletethis post was awesome. If people leave you for decisions that they don't agree with then they are just fairweather friends. It's hard to see them go but you are better off without them. True friends stick by you even when you make choices that they might not understand or agree with. True friendships stand the tests that are put infront of you. You need to surround yourself with people who may not agree with things you have done, but support you for what you decide. Friends don't bring you down but lift you up. There are those in the Church that think that you have to be and live a certain way to be included in their "circle". Life the comment said..the Saviour never excluded he included. He listened and never judged. Ours is not to judge. People need to understand that when you point a finger at someone for things they've done there are 3 pointing back at them. These are people that are afraid to do the soul searching and look into their failures and shortcomings. I commend you for your strength and determination and who knows maybe one day your path will lead you back to church and be happier and stronger for the path that you took to get to where yo want to be.
ReplyDeleteI don't know all the details of your life but I think that as long as you choose to live or pay the consequences made by your choices, then it's not up to anyone else to judge. I really hope that makes sense. I think sometimes we all feel like we live in a glass bubble and it's hard to constantly feel like that...like we're constantly being judged by those who say they love us the most. I try to live by "love the sinner, NOT the sin". Just because you chose a different path doesn't mean that you're unlovable anymore. Weather people think what you did or chose is or was right or wrong, it's not up to anyone but the Savior to judge, but we do have to remember in times like this that it's the people that are not perfect, not the church. It's much easier said than done but, at least for me, that's what it comes down to. I'm not suggesting that you blame the church, but sometimes it's easier to point the finger at something or someone else. If this is what your heart desires and what you truly want, then that's your choice. Just because a person makes choices that aren't what other people want them to make, doesn't make them (you) a bad person. Those who chose not to forgive and judge you, the sin will be upon their head.
ReplyDeleteOur families have known each other a very long time and so because I'm kind of the black sheep in my family, I can see where you're coming from. I think it was mother Teresa that said "those who judge have no time to love". I know what it's like to be judged...by many different levels of local church leaders and family members so you are not alone in feeling judged and not understanding why they do it. I guess for me there just came a point where I had to learn and know for myself and move past the heavy burden of guilt.
Ultimatley, the choices in your life are yours and I'm pretty sure that you know that, but good or bad, we all have to pay the consequences (again, I'm pretty sure you that too.) Love should never be conditional. It should always be UNconditional...but not everyone know how to do that. All anyone can do, is do their best and hope that that's good enough.
Sounds like you have finally gotten to the end of your rope with this whole thing. Now it should be a little easier to move on and let the tongues fall where they may. Sounds like dealing with this whole thing has been a big problem for a lot of people and they have been trying to lay it at your door - now you have handed that problem back to them to deal with. Good for you. Being true to ourselves can sometimes be a big shock to all those who think we should be true to only them. I love you, girl - and will always be here for you - no matter what. ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
ReplyDeletethat is hugs and bigger hugs;)
Hmmm. People AREN'T perfect and neither are their knee jerk reactions to things that happen, especially when they don't have any time to prepare themselves for it. It's how they act past that initial shock that shows their true character. You threw a lot of shit up in the air and when that hits the fan it's a hell of a mess to clean up. It'll take time. Maybe years. Forgiving also doesn't mean forgetting and perhaps the people who have retreated (saying they wish you dead is ,ahem, a tad harsh) have done so for self preservation as you have hurt them so deeply by your actions that seemed completely out of character til they discovered how you'd been feeling for so long. I think there is also a difference between discussing a situation and criticizing the persons involved.
ReplyDeleteI have a hard time with people who profess to be one thing yet underneath it all, are another. Which is why I respect that you came out of hiding and showed how you had truly been feeling and acting. Just remember, they're not the church's morals or beliefs. They're God's. And God will not be mocked. In "choosing you" you also DIDN'T choose other people in your life who may have liked to think that they were at the top of your list and you can't "choose" the consequences of that.
"Love the sinner, not the sin" Love means different things to different people.
Is it easier to live a life without the gospel and all it brings? For me, it was not. I tried that road years ago but was deprived of the peace that came from doing what was right. But I had to take a detour from what I'd been taught all my life to figure that out FOR ME. So I could live it FOR ME. Just because you have decided not to have anything to do with the church right now doesn't make it any less valid or true for the rest of us.