~ The definition of Happiness ~

What is your definition?

If my definition is different than yours, does that mean I'm not really happy?

If my definition is different than yours, does that mean I'm not allowed to be happy?

If my definition is not church based, does that mean I don't have a right to be happy?

'Man are that they might have Joy'

'Judge that ye be not Judged"

"He that is without sin, cast the first stone'

Isn't that what you teach? Doesn't seem to be what you live.
As I watch my friends fall by the wayside, choose to push me out of their lives, I wonder.

"You are not the girl I used to know, you are trying to convince yourself that you're happy, when you're not. You are being controlled by Satan. I never really knew you.

This, of course, is all said via FB or email or txt. No one spends any time with me to test their iron clad theory. Everyone speaks to those that agree with them, just to solidify their decisions.

"You're cold and uncaring. You're distant and shut off. "

Let me ask you...if everyone in YOUR life shut you out, decided that you were mentally altered. Decided that the choices you had made were so repulsive that they couldn't stand the thought of associating with you. Wrote you letters and emails about how they wished you were dead...wouldn't you be a little defensive. Would you put up your walls?

Are you there when my walls break down? Are you there when I try and deal with being pushed out of the lives of all that I loved? Are you there when it becomes more than I can handle?

"You did this to yourself. " That's what I'm told over and over.

You're right, I did. I chose me. I chose to make decisions for myself. I chose to separate myself from aspects of my life. I chose to discover parts of life for myself. I chose to identify myself differently. I chose to re-evaluate my commitments and responsibilities. I chose to be with someone else. I chose to re-define the definition of my family. I chose to leave the church. I chose to escape the oppression I felt. I chose to release myself from the constant guilt put on me in my failures. I chose to remove myself from the constant expectations that are never attainable.

How long do you think a person can handle rejection? How long before you say...I'M DONE!

I'm tired of explaining myself, I'm tired of talking about it, I'm tired of the comments, and looks and judgements.

If you can't handle it, don't want me...can't accept....FINE. I am not here to beg for your love or friendship or acceptance. I will not do it anymore.

I am happy. I have found fulfillment in ways I didn't know existed. I have found or renewed friendships that fill my life. I have had people fill roles in my life vacated by others. I am peace with my thoughts. I am stronger in my commitments.

Don't call me trying to justify your rejection. Don't call me asking for explanations so that you can judge me further. Don't call me.

I give you a comment posted in reaction to a blog post about me...and I didn't write it.

I commend you for your commitment to your beliefs and your testimony. Part of your belief system is that people have agency. Agency to decide whether or not to make choices that coincide with your beliefs or not. Agency when it comes to what armor to wear and what armor to put off.

My only comment is to look past the armor, and see the person. Unconditional love is what you believe the Savior exemplified and taught as an example for us to follow.

If you truly believe what he taught then you will realize that the people he most often chose to associate with were the ones who made wrong choices. Who were in need of help, compassion, and yes, even friendship. Granted, it was easier for him to see the hearts and souls of the people he met. So we, on this earth, have to make much more effort than Him to display this unconditional love.

I know you think it's an oxymoron for me to be 'preachy' about this. But thus far, my experience with peoples reactions have been exactly the opposite of the professed unconditional love. All the way from Stake President to Bishop to friends and family.

You can profess your religion all you like, and I know that nobody is perfect and can't live all the commandments and live up to all the ideals. But if you profess it in word only, and don't live it, then you are as the Book of Mormon says, a hypocrite.

I beg you to prove me wrong. I really do, I want you to prove me wrong and surprise me.

You would be the first.

~ Nutritious and Delicious ~

What do you have for lunch?

There's a cafeteria in my office building, but it's a bit pricey...and not healthy. I take lunches everyday. Left overs is preferred, but not always available.

I like the Weight Watchers microwave dinners, but they're not always on sale.

This week I've tried a new brand. Not bad, funky set up...the sauce is frozen in the bottom...it steams the stuff on top. Then you pour it together. Great for kids lunches if they'll eat the varieties available.

~ Dear Anonymous ~

I didn't want to feel left out, so I put the same title as SO many people have had on their blogs lately.

Who is this nasty person who's commenting on everyone's blog? And does it seem like it's all being linked off of Bobbi's blog? Maybe it's BOBBI!!! (I knew it!!)

Okay, it's not...(yes it is)

I don't allow annon comments anymore, we all saw what happened with that. It wasn't pretty. And it's hard to read that stuff. This particular annon person seems to know my family very well...right down to the fact that my dad's name is actually spelled with a G not a J....makes you wanna go hmmmmm (you sang that in your head, don't try to deny it...Dear 90's, I love you)

So, I'm fine. You can all stop worrying and being sad that I finally let out some of my issues. It's gonna happen, I mean COME ON...have you met me? Stuff builds up and you gotta let it out or have the top of your head blow off, and that's just messy.

Job is crazy busy cause work has started on the oil rigs. So you're asking, then how come your blogging in the middle of the day? (Holy cow you're nosy inquiring)

Cause I need a break okay...A BRAIN CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH (break down in sobs under my desk)

Actually, it's cause I thought I'd post a few pictures of our New Years week with the clan. You're all happy now, aren't you...I knew it.

Casey has three boys...they're the ones you don't recognize, well some of you do...but if you dont...those are Casey's boys...that cute one behind, he's mine. The rest...well maybe our children should not be together, it seems that the weird might rub off.

Working on his super model pose.

Again, too many boys in one house can turn crazy.

This was the photographer, you have to feel for the girl...I mean...6 boys and 1 girl.

The J man...literacy is important to him...

Then we went tabogganing...I already told you about that in my recent top 10.


Casey's BIL and Mr. O...headen down for a death defying ride.

Me and J...watching our life flash before our eyes.

Then there was the cookie making. Sorry for the picture quality...all of the camera's were charging, so had to use the Blackberry.

J likes to inspect his food before gobbling.

O doesn't look that thrilled...might have been the start of his sugar coma.

So there is a nutshell view of some of our activities. There were more, but now I'm tired and going to curl up on the mattress under my desk.

~ Live long and Prosper ~

Thanks for all the emails, text messages and general concern. I'm fine, just needed to get some stuff out...

So, last night we attended a unique event, given to me for Christmas. The Calgary Philharmonic Orchestra. It was a lovely night of dinner and dress up. Even more interesting...it was Star Trek theme.

I'm not a trekkie...I don't know the first thing about Star Trek, so I missed all of the inside jokes. Those around me, including my date....laughed and laughed.

It was fun, I enjoyed it...thanks for the gift.

~ Dear Depression, I'm done with you ~

Do you ever get stuck in little bouts of depression? (have you ever had to stop and think, how do you spell bout? bought? no that's buying stuff)

I've been in a funk for a little while now. Nothing huge, still operating. But sometimes you get stuck in your head, processing stuff, re-playing interactions and conversations, wishing you had said this or that.

I'd like the memory wheel to stop spinning, endlessly, especially when I'm supposed to be sleeping.

Here's my purge.

~ I miss you. I know you can't handle this, can't wrap your head around it. But I miss you.

~ How can you be so hypocritical?! You say you can't be with me because you can't accept my choices. Say that I only associate with people that agree with my perspective. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING. The same damn thing.

(um, I might be a little angry about some stuff...and might be prone to potty mouth...warning warning)

~ This "holier than thou" attitude you have lately is driving me completely insane. I did it all, I tried, I wanted it, I did everything I thought I could...but I still felt like I was dragging a heavy weight. But now, now everything is different and a light has dawned? Give me a freakin break.

~ I don't think it's a good idea. So you need to tell me your motivation? Cause I think it's only going to cause more problems...and really, I've got all I can handle right now.

~ I miss singing.

~ You are my buddy, and I am grateful everyday that you are in my life. Thanks for listening, for being a sounding board, for understanding that I just need to vent for a minute. Thanks for knowing that I don't need advice, don't need a reason, don't need a fix...I just need to get it out of my head.

~ All this has been worth it for the friendship I have found in you.

~ You will never know how much, never know how deep, never even realize what you did. And for that I am very angry with you. How could you think it didn't matter, how could you think it wasn't important. I can't believe how blind you were, can't believe that you showed that side...but you were really like this. It's astonishing to me that you think that it wouldn't happen. That is wasn't inevitable. What were you doing to avoid it? Nothing!!!

~ You surprised me. I thought you would react differently. I thought you would go the way he did, but you didn't. You saw me.

~ Just like all the rest, you left me.

~ For a religion that teaches love, acceptance, forgiveness and non-judgement...there certainly has been a lot of hate, rejection, grudges and judging.

~ Blah blah blah, that's what I hear when you talk.

~ You stepped in, when she stepped out. You actually showed me, what she was only claiming to show me. I act like I don't need it, but I do. I am so happy that we have had an opportunity.

~ Thanks for checking in. For making me feel like someone cares. For reading past and through the garble to sense that there might be something more.

~ I'm sorry. I'm trying, I don't know how, it fights against my first reaction, I'll do better.

~ I am so happy for you. No one deserves it more than you. Rock it bud, make it what you've always wanted.

~ Yes I do, no I wouldn't....

~ I knew it!! I had always suspected.

~ Really? You really think that would have made a difference? I don't.

~ I'm tired of talking about it.

~ Yes, new jeans can change an outlook.

~ When you did this, and this...and that. It hurt my feelings.

~ When you did this, and this...and that....that was awesome.

~ You have to actually ask the question, then maybe I'll consider it.

~ Yes, I will accept that cheque for a kabillion dollars.

~ Dear Sleep...~

I am exhausted, maybe too much...cause I'm wide awake like a 7 year old on Christmas Eve.

So...what to do, what to do.

Already talked to my people's on FB.

Already checked everyone's status, none of you had anything electric to report.

Already read Peter DeWolf...who's always worth losing sleep over. Sometimes I think he's got a magic ball and can see my life, and is blogging about it. I mean, not in his last blog though, cause my name is clearly not Molly.

Already wandered around the house like a surprise party was waiting for me around the corner.

I was disappointed.

And that would be creepy...

So...what's left? Top 10 it is.

1. Recently we discovered this major wicked awesome tabogganing hill in our new town. And yes, we were wearing leg warmers and neon when we found it....dude. So we purchased 7 super duper slippery death sleds, promptly passed them out to the children...and pushed them down the hill of doom. They proceeded to fly down at break neck speeds...sometimes forwards...sometimes not. Somtimes with the butts on the hill the whole time...somtimes not. Sometimes with all their limbs saftely contained with in the confines...of...nothing, cause they weren't in boats..they were on plastic disks...so sometimes their limbs fell out and that leads to crashing and spinning out of control. Or so I'm told. Anyway...there is this great hill in our town. We went sledding, it was fun.

2. I went down said hill the first time with Mr. J. He's a big powerful 3 now, big boy stuff...going down hill's. Ram myself onto the ridiculously small circle of plastic that I'm going to propel myself...and my child, down the hill on. Fold up the legs that don't bend like they used to. Put child, completely clothed in all cold weather gear...so he's twice the size and weight that he should be. Take aim...and fire ourselves down the slope of peril. Now, I was prepared for a decently speedy ride. Snow, new plastic...it isn't rocket science. This however was more like the drop of doom. I might have squeeled/screamed a little bit. I kept it in the check though, as to not scare the child that was being propelled with me. Bravery in the face of death and all that. So we get to the bottom..and I stop screaming. No wait,

I calmly say to my child..."Was that too fast, should we find a little boy hill?"

Darling child turns a beaming face at me, which is only slight covered in snow because I may or may not have put my feet down to slow down the jet powered rocket that was our bodies on plastic...and says...

"Let's do that again"

3. Christmas takes it too far with the giving. I did not need to receive the couple pounds that have tightened up my jeans. Thank you, but that one will be re-gifted.

4. Experienced a Motorcycle Show this weekend. Main man J and I checked out lots of shiny stuff, and leather stuff...and pretty colors. That's how he described it to me....with lots of oooohhhing, and ahhhhhing...and pointing and giggling.

5. CC...I think you have been avoiding the par-tay that is me. I know you felt neglected when you came to our house of horrors....aka six children fun fest. But you know that we are so in love with you, we'd give you our fillings and let you melt them down to make a promise ring. Now that' s love.

6. The swimming suits are out at Costco. Has the stuff buyer at Costco ever been here? in January? Cause it's possible we really do live in igloo's.

7. Haven't seen the pics from Christmas? Me either....wait your turn.

8. Received Philharmonic tickets for Christmas....going tomorrow night. Are there noise makers and confetti at these things? Hot Dogs? Can I "ooh ooh ooh" like Arsenio? How do you spell Arsenio? Arsineo? Arrs-neo? Finding Nemo?

9. Have you ever been on a rip stick? I highly recommend it, if you're life expectancy is expiring...when you let go of the wall.

10. Did you know that you can make a sugar cookie like 3 inches high, if you layer the icing, and sprinkles, and icing and sprinkles, and icing....you get it. Did you also know that if a child eats this creation, they can go into a sugar coma? Welcome to the par-tay....aka 5 kid fun fest.....we lost one.

~ What would you buy ~

If you had some $$ to spend on a book...what would you buy?

I don't buy books. I hate spending money on them, and then not liking the book. I'm all about the free library.

BUT, I received a birthday gift of a gift card for Chapters (hug hug kiss kiss...oh what a great family you is)

So...what are your book recommendations??