~ What is sounds like to Drown ~

I've been reading today the blog of a girl who's marriage has broken up. She posed a question...

Why are so many of my friends unhappy in their marriages-- are we all disillusioned into what we think marriage is, when reality tells us it's not? Coming from SO many different backgrounds and beginnings, families and beliefs, why are all the marriages suffering? Okay okay, not everyone is going through this- but many.

I was the girl who made it look like everything was perfect. Perfect couple, perfect family...perfect life. Everything was skipping along on it's merry way. When inside I was shutting down. Slowly pushing everything out of my life, slowing disconnecting from what "it all looked like". For a year I numbed myself from everything except what had to be accomplished today. And even that, I minimized to the most urgent. Did anyone see me doing it? A few...but none saw what it really was. Did I seek help? Did I reach out? Did I show any weakness? No

Why? Why didn't I tell someone, why didn't I give a clue that I was drowning? That's a complicated answer with many aspects. The most direct and simple is....I didn't want to, I didn't know how to, I thought I could handle it, I needed someone to care enough to see past the mask.

Was I depressed? For a few months I was. However, I don't personally feel that it was a huge depression because I felt myself slip into it, and I felt when I came out of it. Nothing really changed when I came out of it. It was only a difference in how I felt about every day. It was like my head was above the water. You know when you're under water and everything sounds muted....you still hear it...you know what I mean. That's how 8 months of my life felt. I could see and hear everything but it was under water. I was still moving, still getting somewhere, still accomplishing, but it was slow and distant. And just like when you step into a pool, it's not all at once. Picture slowly walking down the steps into a pool. More and more you are covered by the water, submerged beneath. Until the moment when your head goes under, you still feel like you can handle it.... you can still breath, still walk back up the steps, still see someone reaching out to you. But when your head goes under and you lose your sense of direction, then everything is experienced with a new perspective.

I have learned that communication can solve a host of problems. This will sound ironic when I definitely did not communicate my issues with anyone. A councillor asked what I felt was the major reason my marriage had broken down. Communication. I didn't feel as though I was heard, I didn't feel as though I was communicated with, didn't feel that the other party wanted me a part of their struggles and successes. This may all be false, but it is how I felt....and no one can argue with how you feel in a situation. Was I a great communicator? I wanted to be, that's my answer. I wanted to be.

Why is this my post for today? So unlike my usually quirky, sarcastic, silly stuff that hopefully puts a smirk on your face and rolls your eyes at my strange and demented thinking on life? I don't know. I'm reluctant to share. I don't show public vulnerability. It's in my head, I need to get it out. Is this the right place, the right audience? Not sure.

I finished a court ordered parenting course last night. When you are in the process of divorce, you are required to take a 6 hour parenting course. The judge will not even look at your paperwork unless the certificate is there. I have known for months I had to take this course. I avoided it. Was reluctant to sit in a 6 hour course, was comparing it the previous boring courses I had been in...and dreading that this would be the same. It wasn't. It was well presented, well handled and I learned from it.

Parts of it validated my feelings, parts of it validated his feelings. We did not take this course together. My feelings were hurt and my back up when he said we shouldn't take the course together. It's a parenting course. We are parents. We will continue to parent together, these are OUR children. But....he was right. This is not a course to take together. I apologized to him for being negative and hurt. This course is more than a parenting course. PASS - Parenting After Separation Seminar. Worth the 6 hours.

A few points I came away with.

Communication

Focus on the Future, not the past

Make parenting about the kids, not about you (this seems stupidly obvious, you'd be surprised)

Respect Boundaries

Offer Peace

There was much more, and I'm sure more that I noted in my head when I heard it. But these stand out for now.

I've been separated for 6 months. Pain, tears, frustration, fear, confusion, regret....just to name a few. These have been experienced, and continue to be.

I've been separated for 6 months. Heard, valued, recognized, accepted, loved, wanted....just to name a few. These have been experienced, and continue to be.

I have been separated for 6 months. Rejected, shunned, gossiped, judged, ignored, denounced, cut off, misunderstood, angry. These have been experienced, and continue to be.

I have walked up the steps of the swimming pool.

Still wet, still shivering, but a towel has been put over my shoulders.