~ Dear TV Season - Welcome Back! ~

So the new fall season is starting up. I don't have cable, so you'd think this was a problem. Not a problem. I have my ways (waha ha ha). Here's my reviews of the good, the bad and the much much loved. I haven't watched them all yet, but whatever.

I can't take credit for this discovery. And I'm still deciding if I really like it. But it grows on you. I definitely like the OCD issues of Emma. And Mr. All the Pretty Ladies, he rocks the town. I think Miss. Thinks she's a Star, but really isn't....needs to get a life. But it will stay on the docket for now.

Fringe - this is the second season for Fringe. A mix of Alias and X-Files. I loved both, so this one is still a favorite. And come on...who doesn't want to (lick) look at Joshua Jackson??!! The first episode was disappointing, but I understand they are setting up for the season. They better not have really killed off Charlie in the first episode. That remains to be seen. Of course, it won't look like they did...because of the body snatcher guy.

This is a regular favorite. I'm going on this show one day. Forget that I neither live in the US, nor am a resident. Details, details. I love this show.

Not only am I a fan of this show, but I'm going to see the live show...IN THREE WEEK! Get to see Brandon's abs in person. And the only thing better than a Krump girl that Waltzes, and a Popper that Jive's....is Mia's hair. I want her hair!

Okay, that's all for now.

Is it only me....or it is majorly stupid that when you add pics to the blog, it always puts them at the top and messes with the formatting of everything else.

That's dumb.

~ Refresh, Revive, Renew ~

I'm bringing to life the old blog... 4monkeymom.

Why?

You'll have to go there to find out.

This private blog will still be operating, with different content than the public.

Check it out.

~ What is sounds like to Drown ~

I've been reading today the blog of a girl who's marriage has broken up. She posed a question...

Why are so many of my friends unhappy in their marriages-- are we all disillusioned into what we think marriage is, when reality tells us it's not? Coming from SO many different backgrounds and beginnings, families and beliefs, why are all the marriages suffering? Okay okay, not everyone is going through this- but many.

I was the girl who made it look like everything was perfect. Perfect couple, perfect family...perfect life. Everything was skipping along on it's merry way. When inside I was shutting down. Slowly pushing everything out of my life, slowing disconnecting from what "it all looked like". For a year I numbed myself from everything except what had to be accomplished today. And even that, I minimized to the most urgent. Did anyone see me doing it? A few...but none saw what it really was. Did I seek help? Did I reach out? Did I show any weakness? No

Why? Why didn't I tell someone, why didn't I give a clue that I was drowning? That's a complicated answer with many aspects. The most direct and simple is....I didn't want to, I didn't know how to, I thought I could handle it, I needed someone to care enough to see past the mask.

Was I depressed? For a few months I was. However, I don't personally feel that it was a huge depression because I felt myself slip into it, and I felt when I came out of it. Nothing really changed when I came out of it. It was only a difference in how I felt about every day. It was like my head was above the water. You know when you're under water and everything sounds muted....you still hear it...you know what I mean. That's how 8 months of my life felt. I could see and hear everything but it was under water. I was still moving, still getting somewhere, still accomplishing, but it was slow and distant. And just like when you step into a pool, it's not all at once. Picture slowly walking down the steps into a pool. More and more you are covered by the water, submerged beneath. Until the moment when your head goes under, you still feel like you can handle it.... you can still breath, still walk back up the steps, still see someone reaching out to you. But when your head goes under and you lose your sense of direction, then everything is experienced with a new perspective.

I have learned that communication can solve a host of problems. This will sound ironic when I definitely did not communicate my issues with anyone. A councillor asked what I felt was the major reason my marriage had broken down. Communication. I didn't feel as though I was heard, I didn't feel as though I was communicated with, didn't feel that the other party wanted me a part of their struggles and successes. This may all be false, but it is how I felt....and no one can argue with how you feel in a situation. Was I a great communicator? I wanted to be, that's my answer. I wanted to be.

Why is this my post for today? So unlike my usually quirky, sarcastic, silly stuff that hopefully puts a smirk on your face and rolls your eyes at my strange and demented thinking on life? I don't know. I'm reluctant to share. I don't show public vulnerability. It's in my head, I need to get it out. Is this the right place, the right audience? Not sure.

I finished a court ordered parenting course last night. When you are in the process of divorce, you are required to take a 6 hour parenting course. The judge will not even look at your paperwork unless the certificate is there. I have known for months I had to take this course. I avoided it. Was reluctant to sit in a 6 hour course, was comparing it the previous boring courses I had been in...and dreading that this would be the same. It wasn't. It was well presented, well handled and I learned from it.

Parts of it validated my feelings, parts of it validated his feelings. We did not take this course together. My feelings were hurt and my back up when he said we shouldn't take the course together. It's a parenting course. We are parents. We will continue to parent together, these are OUR children. But....he was right. This is not a course to take together. I apologized to him for being negative and hurt. This course is more than a parenting course. PASS - Parenting After Separation Seminar. Worth the 6 hours.

A few points I came away with.

Communication

Focus on the Future, not the past

Make parenting about the kids, not about you (this seems stupidly obvious, you'd be surprised)

Respect Boundaries

Offer Peace

There was much more, and I'm sure more that I noted in my head when I heard it. But these stand out for now.

I've been separated for 6 months. Pain, tears, frustration, fear, confusion, regret....just to name a few. These have been experienced, and continue to be.

I've been separated for 6 months. Heard, valued, recognized, accepted, loved, wanted....just to name a few. These have been experienced, and continue to be.

I have been separated for 6 months. Rejected, shunned, gossiped, judged, ignored, denounced, cut off, misunderstood, angry. These have been experienced, and continue to be.

I have walked up the steps of the swimming pool.

Still wet, still shivering, but a towel has been put over my shoulders.

~ Pain pain....GO AWAY! ~

This is me....okay it's not....up there, above...that's me.

Work with me.

This is me, this is me in pain. This is me in intense pain. This is me unable to move my head. This is me waking up in the night and can't sit up. This is me trying to find pain killers at 2am just to fall back to sleep.

Why is my neck hurting? Why is it shooting up into my brain and down my arms? Why do I feel every jar of the car and bump in the road.

I DON'T KNOW!!!

Dear Massage Therapist....I need to visit you today....like TODAY!!!

~ Homeless...~

Have you ever been homeless?

Personally I have not ever resided in a box...bridge...tent set up on the side of a highway. Can't say I've had that experience. But recently....seriously....

So this is life at the moment.

This is what a massive amount of my day is spent doing. Commuting. New job is way on the west side....like WAY....the address is not even in the city that it nestles beside. Cause as you've read, I work on the reserve. Reserve doesn't have the same address as city dwellers. So this alone is an hour drive from current residence. Add in the car pooling...which ads another 1/2 hour to a one way trip. So if you're good at math, which I am not...that's why I'm in a numbers job....that's 3 hours of driving per day.

(start to cry with frusteration)

Three hours!!!

Now if you've met me....you've seen me, you know I take a slight amount of pride in looking like I put some amount of effort into my appearance. Showing up at work like I've just returned from running the Sahara on a three legged camel is not what I usually aim for. Now, I have to pat myself on the back. I have gotten said morning routine down to an hour. Okay....that's a bit overstated....but I can definately get it down to and hour + 15. The time clock at job is 8am...(there's no time clock, I don't work at a warehouse)...(there is however, an unspoken competition on who can get to the office first...this competition being between myself and the two guys who I work with...they don't like to lose to a girl...especially a white one) So...8 am start to the morning....one hour of driving....1.25 hr primp session. We're down to alarm going off at 5:45. Now this is making a VAST assumption that I exit my slumber when the alarm goes off. (eye roll and sigh) PU.....lease! Who really does that?!?! Who REALLY gets up every single morning, yawns and stretches and bounces out all happy and Thumper-like to get on with the day...exactly when the alarm goes off?? NO ONE!!

What really happens? Alarm goes off. Hit snooze. Now you've already calculated in your head how many times you'll likely hit the snozze button...therefore setting the alarm earlier to accomodate. It would seem logical that rather than setting it earlier and hitting it three times, thus intereruppting the prescious amount of sleep available. You'd set it for the exact time you need to rise...get that extra 20-30 min of solid sleep. But no, you play games with your own head. Think you're tricking yourself. Its a sad sad story of ploy and deception...that you are the star of. So now alarm is going of around 5:15-5:20. That's way to freakin' early. Like....WAY! (picture Tori Spelling)

I read an article....well glanced at it while standing in line to get milk...that if you get 8 hours of sleep...you'll lose weight. So hey, that is the golden reason to sleep. Not for the re-energizing of the body, the re-set of the electrical system that governs the brain and subsequent responses...it's about weight loss. So...I need 8 hours. That would mean I have to go to bed at 9:15. Which means actually starting the sleeping process around 8-8:30. Cause there's the teeth brushing, the face washing, the Facebook checking to see if anyone has updated lately, the dishwasher starting, thinking about tomorrows outfit, lunch making (ya right, that's way to proactive and organized). There's the door locking so the robbers don't get you, the email checking, the weather checking to make sure planned outfit will work. This is all before actually inhabbiting the bed.

Then the tossing, the turning, the stressing, the thinking, planning, over thinking, leg ache, headache....forgot to pee.

So really I need to start the process like 7:30.

Well, that would be all fine and great...but stop time at said job is around 4:30. But carpooling likely makes that ending time closer to 5-5:30. Then the commute home. We're at 6, if we're lucky. Then the making of dinner, eating of the dinner....possible clean up of dinner. We're at 7...

Do you see where this is going?!?#$!^!#???

I need to live closer to work.

Homelessness Part Deux

Current residence is in a small town east of the big bad city. It's fine, I like it...my kids are there...I need to be close to them.

But it adds to all of the above.

So new town I want to be a resident of. Also outside of BBC...way closer to work, love everything about it. Farther from kids...but I'll work that out.

No one will let me live there.

Now, Main Man D will tell you that I don't take well to being bossed around. Blame my mother, she made me take care of my siblings... I am always the boss.

So I don't like being told no. Especially when the reasons are idiotic.

I work. I work in a permanent solid position. I contract through a company I've owned and operated for 10 years. Yes, it's true that this is the first year I've done this work on a full time basis...but I gave you the name and number of the employer to contact. He'll tell you the situation. We have an agreement. With details of agreement.

Carpooling partner also works. Also is in a permanent position. BUT, also contracts on a self employment type situation. She didn't like this. Didn't like the all income was from self employed sources.

No, she'd rather let those that have lower, unsubstancial, temporary to partly serious income. That work shifts that are unpredictable, party on the weekend, don't water the lawn, let their cars sit on the drive way in half deconstruced manner, until their rust into the concrete. Complain constantly about stupid stuff, make late payments....own a rottweiler. This seems like a logical choice.

I'm not bitter.

I made the mistake of wanting it. Of thinking the new residence was a definate step in the right direction. Bigger, better.... Don't fall in like something that isn't signed off on. It saves you from being bitter.

So back to square one. Can stay where I'm at. That's not a problem. But the above is taking a toll on my sanity, and will soon take on my health.

Happy Monday... well not for me cause I've been up since 5:15.

Less bitterness tomorrow....maybe, not likely...but here's hoping.

~ LOST ~

I don't watch Lost. I watched the first two episodes...and lost interest. And I only really watched the first two episodes because I used to love Party of Five. And if you don't see the correlation...then you are not cool. Sorry.

So Lost. I still don't watch it. Haven't changed my mind since the last paragraph. I'm informed that's it's pretty good...but whatever.

So Lost. Today I may have accidentally got a little lost. Now, it wasn't my fault..it might have been my first time going that direction...so I was unfamiliar. But then I figured it out. A little too late, but still.

Have you ever been lost on a reservation? A little unnerving. Not because anything is going to happen...but because you're not actually supposed to be on the reservation. As it has been pointed out to me recently, I'm white. Now, I don't think I should lose points for this...I can't control what shade I am. Well, I sort of can with UV and how it makes my skin a golden brown. But even with all the UV in town...I still think they'd know I'm white. But it seems that if I'm not the correct shade of not-white...then I don't qualify for a treaty card. And if you don't have a treaty card then you can't get a carton of cigarettes for much cheaper, and can't express post it up to the Northwest Territories....cause you don't have a treaty card. This is how my whiteness factor came up...cheap cigarettes. Not for me...obviously...but for the guy that didn't know I was white.

ANYWAY.

If you're going to get lost, don't do it on the reservation. Cause if you're white, remember I am...then you're not really supposed to be on the reservation. Driving around, trying to find the turn..that you've missed.

Now...I know you're wondering...WHY was I lost on the reservation? Cause it's a super rad short cut...duh.

~ Are you Sure?! ~

Caller: Hey Tiff...how did you like the Pow-wow on the weekend?

Tiff: I didn't go to the Pow-wow...I was camping.

Caller: Camping?

Tiff: Ya, in BC.

Caller: In a tent?

Tiff: Uh...ya.

Caller: So you weren't at the Pow-wow.

Tiff: Uh...ha ha....no I wasn't.


Later that morning.

Boss: So I sent a txt to Jimmy...."Hey Jim, she's white"

Jimmy: What do you mean?

Boss: She's white, she's not native.

Jimmy: Huh.

Boss: See....(procedes to take a picture of me with his Blackberry and send it to Jimmy"

Jimmy: Hey, she's not native.

Were you guys aware that I was white? Seems to be a source of confusion around here.

~ Welcome to my Pow-wow ~

So...I left you hanging awhile back...about the job situation.

I quit the old job. Why? It was boring. Plain and simple. However, this girl is smart enough not to quit one job before securing another one. In the down time, which was every minute of every day, of the old job...I searched for a new one. Top priority? Actual work to do.

There were many outstanding opportunities that I applied for. Some I was very stoked about. I had ambitions to get away from the accounting arena...focus on other specialities. The weeks went by, I heard nothing. Stupid high unemployment rate. My criteria lowered, I started applying for the accounting positions. I started hearing back from the accounting positions. Cause, let's face it, I have 10 years experience in the accounting stuff... Set up some interviews, all accounting...

You heard the details of the quick hire. Applied for a job Friday afternoon, got a call Sunday evening, went for the interview Monday after work, heard back from the hiring guy Monday night... more money, more responsibility, more vacation, more flexiblity....more accounting. What do you do? You take the job.

So I work for a Geophysical resource company that clears land for oil work to be done. Basically, they cut down trees and clear bushes. But they do it in a big way. They are aboriginal owned and operated. I work at the big fancy new Tsuu T'ina Nation Admin Building. Every morning I am greeted by a moose, deer, buffalo and teepee. So far they haven't talked to me, we'll wait and see. This company is also the middle guy for a lot of work that occurs on First Nation lands. So there are a lot of guys in and out of here, lots of calls...and I'm the minority in it all. Only white girl around. But that's okay.

Right now it's their slow time. Which is okay. The learning curve is always steep in a new job. Learning the ropes is never my favorite thing...hate feeling dumb...hate making mistakes while I learn.

So...moving on. How was your long weekend? I was camping in BC. So fun...needed the down time after a couple stressful weeks. Did nothing. Slept. Had fun with our buddies.

Also checked out Lussier Hot Springs...ever heard of them? Way cool springs right on a river just up the mountain from Canal Flats BC. Really hot too. Three different ones. They get cooler as the flow toward the river and accumulate in the pools. I had visions of lounging in these unknown pools, soaking up a sunny day. Uh, no....sardine city. And sulphur. Pee, yu. But a fun time anyway. And, may I say...some people should re-think their bathing suit choices. And Missy, if you think those look real and you're fooling everyone, uh no...you paid for those. And Mr. Old Man...speedo? Gag.

~ WOW ~

Have you ever been to Globalfest? Holy hot chocolate and fried green tomatoes. It's pretty amazing. I've seen some great fireworks in my time, even seen a lot of them when participating in the glory of the 4th of July in the US of A. But this. With the music and the synchronization. The Chinese music and the announcer that went on and on. The singing and the kumbaiya (how do you spell that)....anyway. Cheese and macaroni it was great. Why haven't I gone before? It's been in the city for a few years. I lived in the city. Chastisement for me.

This year, which is new I'm told, there were tents for different countries. Cultural items, food, dance productions and vacation offers. I entered the free trip to Mexico. I've already packed my suitcase. Just need to know what time to be at the airport.

So with all the many food varieties of the world available...the lusciousness of every corner of this fine green planet...the many delicate colors that make up our tapestry of life....I had kettle corn.... AND juice.

Two thumbs up....Globalfest.

~ GROSS!! ~

Guess what happens when mice decided to rock it out in your trailer....gag...

So all of the canvas on the trailer needs to be replaced.

And it's not like they left a note thanking us for the time well spent. No no, they hadn't left yet. They were still there when we pulled out the trailer to see if it was usable. Nope. In fact, they even had their children there with them. Those little ones took a flying leap off the side when they were dumped out of their cozy home.

I even did everything I was supposed to. No food of any kind left...not even canned stuff. Tonnes of Irish Spring soap cut up all over the place. I can't win.

Gross....gross.....GROSS!!

One bright spot is that they didn't wreck the mattresses. Though those need to be completely aired out and disinfected. And, they didn't get in the cupboards. So that's something I guess.

GRRRRRRRRR!