Oct 26, 2007

~ Insomnia ~

So it's late...again...and I'm still awake...again. This has been, and continues to be a stressful busy week. There's a lot happening...a lot I'm in charge of, and so of course I can't sleep because I over think everything and lay awake at night making lists in my head, and as a result of the lack of sleep, I'm also getting sick.

It's after midnight and I'm up. I can't stand to lay awake restless...so in an effort to completely exhaust myself...I'm hitting the blogging a little early. Doesn't help that I can literally feel myself getting sicker as I type...but I can't take anything to 'help' me sleep, because they baby sometimes wakes up in the night. So, I'll get sicker and maybe the Primary Presentation will run itself on Sunday....here's hoping.

You may be disappointed by this weeks blog...I'm not at my usual level of bitterness, sarcasm and general rolling my eyes at life....sorry.

1. The trip that Brian and I are taking is getting closer. We've received a brochure from the company organizing it with the daily events that we can choose from for tours. One of them had snorkeling and such. Cool...not a lot of snorkeling here on the prairies. So we're signed up to do that. Snorkeling makes me nervous though. Never done it before but I always think that if you're in the water and marine life is available, which apparently happens a lot in the water...that the shark is going to get you. So I'm 12 and laying in the water at Sylvan Lake at that huge girls camp that Sis. Kapp came too...remember that old ladies...anyway, laying in the water waiting to take my first attempt ever at water skiing. You know how you lay there with the skis on...trying to keep your balance in the water and all I can hear in my head is....dum dum........dum dum......the Jaws theme. First of all we're in Sylvan Lake...not too many shark attacks have been reported there in recent years, but hey I was 12. Second of all there are like 4000 girls screaming and jumping in the water, but I know that shark is coming for me.

2. Back to the snorkeling...so the other part that makes me nervous is the actual fish. I don't like things jumping out at me. Granted fish don't do a lot of jumping under water...but you don't always know when one is gone take the opportunity to test your adrenaline level. I get enough of that at home....nothing like cooking something hot and Mr. Handy Man comes up behind me and positions his hands just so....apparently I need a little more 'support' if you get my drift. He got to wipe the spaghetti sauce off the wall as I practised my well rehearsed Kung Foo moves on him.

3. I was thinking the other day of some of the items I used to think were to die for. Leg warmers for example....I had ones with threads of silver in them. I was pretty hot. I'm not sure when they went from Flash Dance to 'wear them over your jeans in Junior High'. I took it that extra step...I'm an overachiever always have been. I'd wear two or three pair socks that alternated whatever minute color I had represented in my shirt and then the leg warmers on top of that. Proved for some pretty tight Keds. But I was somethin' to look at in those Junior High halls...with the banana clip and the Mickey Mouse Timex....watch out.

4. Next the scrunchie. I've always had long hair...except for an unfortunate incident in high school. Now the purpose of the scrunchie was not to actually hold your hair in the pony tail. You couldn't actually wind it tight enough for that. You had elastics under the scrunchie and then wound more things around your hair to accessorize. I have always had very thick hair. So not only were there about 4 elastics to hold my ponytail in place, there was also the scrunchie. And very likely I had put my hair up wet in the morning, and at night when I took it out, it was still wet in the entombed part under the elastics. I, of course, generally matchie matchied the alternating colors of my socks to the scrunchies. I may have caused some reckless driving accidents as people drove by and temporarily were blinded by the alternating colors that gave them a seizure.

5. Now the neon colors I can appreciate. Nothing says "Hey Boys" like lime green and fuchsia together. Their eyes are involuntarily drawn. So I had my fair share of the neon colors.

6. I was in a grocery store the other day and witnessed my first "Guy trying to become a Girl". Little disturbing. That should be kept on reality TV. Not only was he wearing girls clothes but was also taking the hormone therapy. Mostly he was just a very unpleasant looking girl. I must have caught him mid cycle....he hadn't taken all the drugs yet. He didn't hide that he was trying to be a her. The voice hadn't changed. I'm wondering where the desire to become female comes from....which of the following seems like fun.

a. Monthly Moon Cycles (I've been calling it that lately like I'm woman of the earth or something)

b. Frantic mood swings and homicidal feelings and behavior.

c. Standing in front of the mirror every morning and thinking "Ah Crap...this is gonna take a lot of work"

d. Being able to recognize the millisecond "the look" in your husbands eyes that immediately puts you in a fowl mood and makes you roll your eyes and think " Are you kidding me you -----" (Insert favorite not nice name) This can apply to many many different situations.

e. Having to visit many different kinds of doctors that make you ask the same question every time... " You want to put what....where??!!"

f. The layers....why so many layers. The first layer, the tight/nylons, the slip, the skirt. Nothing ever stays where it should...something is always rolling down when you're trying to tell the Bishop that life is going fine. And even with the cool Shade shirts...it's still so many layers. It can take me 20 full minutes to actually get down to my skin. And then the ever constant question of what is really needing to go into the laundry. This layer didn't actually see the light of day, but it was next to my skin as I was trying to lift the double stroller out of the van while holding the baby on my hip and keeping the 3 year old out of traffic with my leg. Where as this shirt didn't actually get drenched in sweat but has baby snot and something else unidentifiable on it. So many decisions.

Sign me up to be a girl...sounds like a non stop Par--tay.

7. I don't really understand Professional Sports. My husband is a very big fan...yells at the TV like he's being paid to coach the game. None of you believe me since you've never actually heard more than 7 consecutive words out of him in one sitting....he's a maniac, really. So we pay these "athletes" gazillions of dollars to do what? Hit a ball with a stick, throw a ball into the hoop, smash your opponent even if he's nowhere near the actual ball and stand out in a big field hoping the ball will come your way. I would rather pay money to put a mud pit in beside the church and let the Bishop pick who gets to fight. That could be the best "issue solver' anywhere.

8. ---------

9. I love watching parents in Sacrament meeting finally lose it with their children and drag them out. They have the fake smile on...but that kid is not really moving his feet and his arm is getting longer as his full weight is being permeated into the floor to hold back his seething mother. I have one friend D who is the best at it. She not only is walking 89 km/hour to get that kid our of there, she's marching while she does it. It's all you can do not to say out loud....nice knowin ya. Don't think I'm not included in this...I've marched my children out of there plenty of times. It would be so much nicer if it was like Star Trek and you could just morph out of the meeting. Granted, then no one would actually be in the meeting.

10. I don't think the noodle is being used to its full capacity. You know...that thing kids do when they don't want to do or go somewhere. It's like their bones instantly turn to jello and they gain 150 pounds. It's impossible to get that kid up. I'm going to start using it when I get asked to do something I don't want to. Just do the noodle on the floor. "If you can move me to that room, I will handle the situation..if not, well tough luck for you"

That's it...I'm out. Not up to par this week....maybe next week.

Oct 19, 2007

~ Warrior Priestess of the Aztec People ~

So lots of you have been sending me comments on my blog and emailing saying how much you love my weekly comments...I'm a little surprised by how many people are reading my rants about life....maybe I should rein it in a little? But then you wouldn't love it so much...so nope..it will stay candid, surprising and maybe a bit offensive at times. That's only when I tell you about the commericals that I shake my head at....who pays for those?

1. I've been slackin' in the running a little lately. It's easy to talk yourself out of running when it's getting chilly outside. But I want to take off some more weight so I've been getting serious. As a result my knees are acting up again. So I tried this Active Release Therapy today. It's basically really deep stretching to help the muscles cope with the strain of constant beating on the pavement. So the guy has my foot on his shoulder and he stretching out my hamstrings...and I'm trying to be all tough and not tell him that he's about to break my leg off. So he says...just tell me when you're at your pain limit. Pain limit.....I've had four babies....have you ever tried to push a St. Bernard out your butt? I didn't say that to him.....but I thought it. I think they should say that at the hospital. "Now Mrs. Boyd when you're at your pain limit just let us know and we'll ease off a bit....." Okay...after I sign my name on the labour room check in register I would like you to ease off a little for the rest of my stay at your nice facility"

2. I was watching that Oprah that had Jessica Seinfeld on it showing how she purees vegetables and puts them in her kids food. Such a great idea, I'm going to do that....in Brian's food too. So I'm thinking what else I can puree and sneak into my children's lives....fibre, bran, flak seed....manners. I'm going to start sneaking many things in when they don't know it. So don't call me at night, I'll be kneeling beside my children's beds as they sleep talking in their ears. They can hear me subconsciously....."Your mother is perfect in every way....you will no longer scream that you hate her when we're in Costco....you will set the table without being asked...and not put your dirty laundry on top of the clean laundry that you haven't taken out of the basket yet...you will tell your mother daily that she certainly is looking thin lately...and not point out that her butt is big when she's trying to put Owen's seat belt on in the back seat....

3. Even better I'm going to start sneaking things into Brian's life/mind... chanting them when he's asleep...."I don't need help going up the stairs thank you anyway, your hand does not need to be on my butt. You don't need to look over at me in the van....when the kids are in the back...and say under your breath " You should take your shirt off"....oh right, what was I thinking I should do that now....so sorry that I forgot dear..... (idiot). You will stop thinking that if the floor can be vacuumed then the house is clean...um...have you noticed that no one can sit on the couch now....picking things up and re-locating them to higher ground is not putting them away.

4. I go to Costco every two weeks or so. You can get really carried away at Costco...they have some pretty fun stuff. I'm always amazed at the people that seem to be doing their major grocery shopping there though. Like their carts are four miles high with stuff...but then you look at what they're buying....mega size Doritos's.....gazillion packs of chocolate bars....six thousand of those muffins...those aren't muffins those are small cakes....wow...and they wonder why it's a little tight when they're trying to get behind the wheel of their cars.

5. So I'm slightly addicted to technology....if you want to get a hold of me..the best way is by email...I check it a lot. My job is on a computer...so I spend a lot of time in this very spot. Anyway...as addicted as I am it's not as much as those of you that your Facebook hooked up to your cell phones.....holy macaroni... Ring Ring....you have been Poked. Oh good...glad I didn't miss that one.

6. I'm a bookkeeper...and I see a lot of paper. I have some pretty interesting clients. Some think that everything can be considered a business write off. Here's a few that I've seen...no joke. On a pink sticky note "Tiff...can you please make sure that this receipt is entered as an expense, we use them for business dinners and client entertainment" The receipt was for a boob job. "Tiffany Boyild. (I've done this guys books for 5 years and he always spells my last name wrong...it's a pretty hard name after all (eye roll) Please see that attached business receipt that I would like included in this years personal taxes.... The receipt was for hair plugs.

7. The following are not considered legitimate business expenses.....liquor store purchases, unless you are actually running a bar. Adult Entertainment venues...unless you are actually running one of those and are scouting for new talent. Baby Gap...when you run an oil service company. Poker.net subscription....I can't think of any that you could write that off for. Liposuction.....again....what legitimate business could that be an expense for. A trip to Hawaii...with a note that said they had done business meetings and scouted out new company locations while there, they were a snow removal company. I wish I was joking about these...nope, seen them all. They're very expensive too..no wonder they put them through on the company visa.

8. Why is it that office supplies are so fun. People are taking loads of them home in their pockets from work. What exactly are they doing with them all at home. Running an underground black market organizing and categorizing scam. I, like many, enjoy office supplies. The kids are starving, dirty and don't have their homework done. But I have a nifty staple remover, highlighters and fourteen colors of sticky notes. I can also white out anything faster than anyone else I know and staple through many different page quantities.

9. My children watch those terrible kids shows in the morning...like all of yours. I would like to be in a room alone with the following people....the guy that wrote the theme song for Backyardigans....the guy that designed the costumes for Toy Castle....the banker of the Wiggles...Barnie....they guy who thought up Wonder Pets...

10. Mom....mom.........mooooooommmmm........MOOOOOOOMMMMM...
I'm sorry there is no one by that name here.....I am Whatsi Baloooo, Warrior Priestess of the Aztec people. Your mother will not be returning until this house is cleaned up, the groceries are taken OUT of the totes and put IN the cupboard...not piled up on the floor in the kitchen and you "grocery shop" every morning in them for your breakfast. When you hit the toilet. And please flush after you hit the toilet, the baby puts his hands in the water sometimes. When you can walk in the door after school with a quiet voice and skip to your room to clean it. Rather than crashing through the door, your brother chasing you with murder in his eyes and you're both screaming at each other (oh, could that be my darling children returning from their day of learning and enlightenment...I'm so glad they have returned to our humble home).

Okay I had already posted this and then Brian came home and shared this little gem.

11. Picking up pizza on at Domino's. He hands over his American Express and the brain child on the till says....

Girl "Cool credit card"

B "It's just an American Express...haven't you even seen one before"

Girl "No...are you american?"

B "What...no"

Girl "Don't you have to be an American to have an American Express card."

B " Ahhh...no"

Girl "Oh...I thought you have to be american to have one...my parents told me I couldn't have one because I have to be american."

Wow...........

Oct 14, 2007

~ Mr. O ~

My Mr. Owen is nuts....here's some video as my evidence.





Oct 12, 2007

~ To the point.... ~

1. If I could change something about myself, it would be my tendency to think negative before positive....keep that fault in my personality in mind as you read.

2. I always need my life SUPER full....like unbelievably busy at all time. Why? I don't know. I never have a moment that there isn't something I need to do. If I sit and read a book it is because I'm neglecting something else.

3. I just spent a couple days writing the Primary Presentation for our ward....we have 130 kids. So as I'm meticulously giving every child a part, and making sure it all flows...I'm thinking. No one cares what any of these kids say.... really. Parents want to see and hear their children sing the songs and be a part. And usually you can't understand what the kids say anyway...the microphone is passed to them too quickly and then wrenched out of their hands by the next kid. So I think we should change it. They'll sing the songs and in between we'll just introduce each child....drum roll and then the child stands up.......Michael Smith.....sits down. Done. No line he doesn't remember, and we can't understand. His parents saw him, he did his obligatory wave to them like as if he hasn't seen them in a life time....and it's the best Presentation ever.

4. Why is it that the women have to be pregnant, have the babies, raise the babies and also be expected to lose the weight and look fantastic while they're doing it. That's a lot of pressure. What is my husband expected to do? Get me pregnant...give me the baby when he cries, ask me HOW to raise the children...expect me to look good...for HIM of course. I'm thinking the balance is a little off here. (Everyone knows that this is just me talking....Brian is fantastic)

5. So Brian and I are taking a trip in December...just the two of us. There was a promo at work that he qualified for...and we're taking the fantastic honeymoon...13 years late. So we're going to a tropical place...and he wants me to get a bikini. WHAT!!!?!??? First of all, as if I'm wearing anything in front of others that screams....look at my stretch marks...I've had four babies. Second of all....I don't see him buffing up to be super ripped to walk on the beach....third...WHAT a bikini. Whatever buddy, keep on dreamin'

6. Brussel Sprouts - What the heck? First of all who picked up the hard green ball that tasted like death and said "Hey these would be good to eat"

7. Why do we buy candy and give it to other children dressed in bad costumes? And also take our children to take candy from other people. I'm going to buy a box of candy...put the kids to bed and eat the candy myself.

8. I tape General Conference on my PVR. Partly because I don't always get organized enough to be sitting down at 10. But also because I like to be able to rewind if I missed something. However, I also fast forward through the singing...Brian thinks that might be sac religious. I think it's just being time efficient.

9. Speaking of my PVR. It's the best invention ever, and the best gift Brian ever gave me. I never miss a show again. Last year when I got it, my brother's in law were all laughing at me because I'd tape so much stuff. They thought I taped stuff....just to tape it....and never actually watched it. Now they have their own PVR's and are as addicted as I am....and are calling me to find out how to work it. Who's laughing now... I'm going to tell them how to tape the shows but then put in a little part that stops recording 18 minutes in....hahaha....

My blog's are taking on a bit of a nasty feel lately....I lived a stressed out life...I need to vent...maybe because of point #2...deal with it.

10. So one of my bestest buds ever is Doug. We've known each other a long long time. We also have a mutual lovey dovey for each other. = ) So one of my best memories growing up is on a winter day. Brain children that we were...we thought it would be a good idea to go tobogganing....with Doug. For those that don't know him....the legs don't work that well. So we put him on the toboggan...send him flying down the hill. Get to the bottom and we're all sort of looking at each other...like...now what. How the heck is Doug going to get back up the hill? So us, in our exemplary friend mode look at him and say...Well you got down here on your own, I guess you're getting back up on your own. He huffed it up that hill with his crutches. Sorry Doug, I feel bad about that still. Oh wait...no I don't. Because when he got to the top he got on the toboggan with me and we went down again. Okay, I felt bad the first time, but not the next 12 times. Love ya buddy.

Oct 11, 2007

~ Talented Girl ~

Thanksgiving Day I put on the huge dinner for all my family...minus my parents who were gone Conference. It was a huge job...one that I don't know I'll do again.

Anyway, we were done and cleaning up and Bobbi was looking outside and commenting on how great the lighting was. We had talked about having her take our family pictures, but then decided against it as the day was going to be crazy enough. However she thought it would be okay...so we got ready and packed everyone up and headed to the park.

My sister in law is so amazing...and usually she doesn't know it. So many things about her I admire. For one she's an amazing photographer. I'd love to learn this talent from her. I love the pictures she takes and would love to have so many great shots of my kids.

Here are a sampling of her talent....and maybe a bit of mine and Brian's DNA helping a little.

Oct 6, 2007

~ One Year Already?!! ~

So Mr Jack is one year old. That's crazy. He started taking his first steps right on his birthday.... pictures later.

On to the list....why do you guys get such a kick out of my lists......? = )

1. I love hot drinks....I would be a serious coffee addict if given the chance. Hot drinks calm my nerves....Brian often find me making dinner with a hot chocolate in hand. It's that or kill the kids....

2. I like to watch 'So you think you can dance'. But only the first few shows when all those people that stood in line for a kazillion hours, because they are convinced they're a dancer, get up there and show their moves. Then they either fall on their face (a guy really did that one time....smacked his face right on the floor) or they shake their booty and they're so big that the booty keeps shaking after they are long done dancing.

3. My favorite snack lately is Special K Vanilla cereal, dry....just pour some in a cup and keep reading your book. It's yummy and low fat.....that's the best combination.

4. I think there should be a weight limit on spandex clothing. On the tag should say 120 pounds or less. Why is it that the people who would look good in spandex avoid it, and those that make us puke in our mouths a little....wear it to Walmart.

5. 25 degrees is my perfect outdoor temperature. Warm enough to go to the beach...but not so warm that your clothes stick to you.

6. When I was 8 or so...my dad gave me this big talk about not letting boys put their arm around me. Apparantly that was the biggest sin he could think of at the time.....however now that I think of it, he was on the right track. Everything can be attributed to that boy putting his arm around you.

7. Have you ever considered that 'Organic' is probably latin for 'using more cow poop'. Just a thought.

8. What is with those commercials for the drugs for 'dysfunction'. You know what I mean....all of the sudden people are skipping and ball room dancing just because everything is now preforming. I think they should make those more realistic. Show the wife holding the big knife while she's making dinner....considering her options of elminating her husband...and then remembering that the drugs have helped out with their 'dysfunction' and put the knife down. Then she could have the voice over say... "Viagra...helps him live one more day" Maybe I should go into advertising.

9. But my favorite commercials are the ones for seemingly innocent drugs. Liver or something.....BUT...side effects may include....losing your left arm, dry mouth until your tongue falls out, heart palpitations so you're bed ridden, your hair falls out, your dog dies, you can no long 'preform' (unless you're taking the above mentioned). Your lungs shut down, your brain explodes and your hearing is a little iffy....but your liver is now working.....

10. Don't you hate it when you go to someones blog to read their witty comments for the week....only to find out they are having a bit of a fiesty day and you're feeling the uncontrollable need to back away from the screen. All the while thinking your glad you don't live in THAT house today.... = )

11. So you come to a four way stop and it is beyond obvious that you came to a complete stop 10 minutes ahead of that other guy....but please....you first....I'm sure that kid on my back seat can hold it a little longer.

12. I've decided that my van can be my 72 hour kit. No need for backpacks at my house. It has food, blankets, water and DVD's with built in stereo. That's all you really need anyway. Plus, why put it away, just throw it on the floor....easy access that way.

Okay that's it for this week. I'm out of things to be critical about....I do feel better though.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Oct 1, 2007

~ No Catchy title....sorry. ~

I'm at a loss for a catchy title today....sorry.

So I have yet to actually post my Friday list....on Friday. Here goes...I think I'm slowly running out of things to say.

1. I love raw tomoatoes, but hate cooked ones.

2. My left foot is smaller than my right.

3. All hair on the right side of my head is thinner than on the left...including my eye lashes and eye brows. (K I'm really grasping for something to put on the list this week)

4. E.T. was the first movie I saw in a theatre. I went with my Aunt Marilee and it scared the crapola out of me...I had nightmares for a long time.

5. However the scarriest movie is still 'Watcher in the Woods". I wonder if it's really still scary or if the 12 year old part of my brain just thinks so.

6. I'm only human, I make mistakes and sometime people are hurt by those mistakes. Lesson learned, I'll try harder.

7. I hate the taste of water. Isn't that stupid. Water doesn't really have a taste. Okay, I hate the absence of taste of water.

8. I didn't get my driver's license until the third try.

9. I love the smell of coffee.

10. I was interested in Kevin before Brian. Apparantly Kevin wasn't the grand master plan....

11. When I was 7 I had to walk to school by myself because my mom had too many little kids at home. There was this big dog that was always loose. I thought if I stood really still beside the telephone pole by the alley he wouldn't see me. So there's Tiffany standing like a statue beside the pole hoping the dog will walk by and not kill me. The dog was likely rolling his eyes.

12. I can wiggle my ears. In fact I can wiggle one ear then the other. It's a talent...I know...I'm amazing.

13. And the last big major revelation about myself this week....(drum roll)

I refer sweet over salty.

That was a sad list this week....sorry. I'll try to think of juicer things next week. Though I can't always shock and amaze you. I did however get quite the reaction from the whole "told my parents I went to work and actually flew to Vanvouver to meet a boyfriend" revelation. What, none of you thought to do that one on your own....such boring lives.... = (