~ Warrior Priestess of the Aztec People ~

So lots of you have been sending me comments on my blog and emailing saying how much you love my weekly comments...I'm a little surprised by how many people are reading my rants about life....maybe I should rein it in a little? But then you wouldn't love it so much...so nope..it will stay candid, surprising and maybe a bit offensive at times. That's only when I tell you about the commericals that I shake my head at....who pays for those?

1. I've been slackin' in the running a little lately. It's easy to talk yourself out of running when it's getting chilly outside. But I want to take off some more weight so I've been getting serious. As a result my knees are acting up again. So I tried this Active Release Therapy today. It's basically really deep stretching to help the muscles cope with the strain of constant beating on the pavement. So the guy has my foot on his shoulder and he stretching out my hamstrings...and I'm trying to be all tough and not tell him that he's about to break my leg off. So he says...just tell me when you're at your pain limit. Pain limit.....I've had four babies....have you ever tried to push a St. Bernard out your butt? I didn't say that to him.....but I thought it. I think they should say that at the hospital. "Now Mrs. Boyd when you're at your pain limit just let us know and we'll ease off a bit....." Okay...after I sign my name on the labour room check in register I would like you to ease off a little for the rest of my stay at your nice facility"

2. I was watching that Oprah that had Jessica Seinfeld on it showing how she purees vegetables and puts them in her kids food. Such a great idea, I'm going to do that....in Brian's food too. So I'm thinking what else I can puree and sneak into my children's lives....fibre, bran, flak seed....manners. I'm going to start sneaking many things in when they don't know it. So don't call me at night, I'll be kneeling beside my children's beds as they sleep talking in their ears. They can hear me subconsciously....."Your mother is perfect in every way....you will no longer scream that you hate her when we're in Costco....you will set the table without being asked...and not put your dirty laundry on top of the clean laundry that you haven't taken out of the basket yet...you will tell your mother daily that she certainly is looking thin lately...and not point out that her butt is big when she's trying to put Owen's seat belt on in the back seat....

3. Even better I'm going to start sneaking things into Brian's life/mind... chanting them when he's asleep...."I don't need help going up the stairs thank you anyway, your hand does not need to be on my butt. You don't need to look over at me in the van....when the kids are in the back...and say under your breath " You should take your shirt off"....oh right, what was I thinking I should do that now....so sorry that I forgot dear..... (idiot). You will stop thinking that if the floor can be vacuumed then the house is clean...um...have you noticed that no one can sit on the couch now....picking things up and re-locating them to higher ground is not putting them away.

4. I go to Costco every two weeks or so. You can get really carried away at Costco...they have some pretty fun stuff. I'm always amazed at the people that seem to be doing their major grocery shopping there though. Like their carts are four miles high with stuff...but then you look at what they're buying....mega size Doritos's.....gazillion packs of chocolate bars....six thousand of those muffins...those aren't muffins those are small cakes....wow...and they wonder why it's a little tight when they're trying to get behind the wheel of their cars.

5. So I'm slightly addicted to technology....if you want to get a hold of me..the best way is by email...I check it a lot. My job is on a computer...so I spend a lot of time in this very spot. Anyway...as addicted as I am it's not as much as those of you that your Facebook hooked up to your cell phones.....holy macaroni... Ring Ring....you have been Poked. Oh good...glad I didn't miss that one.

6. I'm a bookkeeper...and I see a lot of paper. I have some pretty interesting clients. Some think that everything can be considered a business write off. Here's a few that I've seen...no joke. On a pink sticky note "Tiff...can you please make sure that this receipt is entered as an expense, we use them for business dinners and client entertainment" The receipt was for a boob job. "Tiffany Boyild. (I've done this guys books for 5 years and he always spells my last name wrong...it's a pretty hard name after all (eye roll) Please see that attached business receipt that I would like included in this years personal taxes.... The receipt was for hair plugs.

7. The following are not considered legitimate business expenses.....liquor store purchases, unless you are actually running a bar. Adult Entertainment venues...unless you are actually running one of those and are scouting for new talent. Baby Gap...when you run an oil service company. Poker.net subscription....I can't think of any that you could write that off for. Liposuction.....again....what legitimate business could that be an expense for. A trip to Hawaii...with a note that said they had done business meetings and scouted out new company locations while there, they were a snow removal company. I wish I was joking about these...nope, seen them all. They're very expensive too..no wonder they put them through on the company visa.

8. Why is it that office supplies are so fun. People are taking loads of them home in their pockets from work. What exactly are they doing with them all at home. Running an underground black market organizing and categorizing scam. I, like many, enjoy office supplies. The kids are starving, dirty and don't have their homework done. But I have a nifty staple remover, highlighters and fourteen colors of sticky notes. I can also white out anything faster than anyone else I know and staple through many different page quantities.

9. My children watch those terrible kids shows in the morning...like all of yours. I would like to be in a room alone with the following people....the guy that wrote the theme song for Backyardigans....the guy that designed the costumes for Toy Castle....the banker of the Wiggles...Barnie....they guy who thought up Wonder Pets...

10. Mom....mom.........mooooooommmmm........MOOOOOOOMMMMM...
I'm sorry there is no one by that name here.....I am Whatsi Baloooo, Warrior Priestess of the Aztec people. Your mother will not be returning until this house is cleaned up, the groceries are taken OUT of the totes and put IN the cupboard...not piled up on the floor in the kitchen and you "grocery shop" every morning in them for your breakfast. When you hit the toilet. And please flush after you hit the toilet, the baby puts his hands in the water sometimes. When you can walk in the door after school with a quiet voice and skip to your room to clean it. Rather than crashing through the door, your brother chasing you with murder in his eyes and you're both screaming at each other (oh, could that be my darling children returning from their day of learning and enlightenment...I'm so glad they have returned to our humble home).

Okay I had already posted this and then Brian came home and shared this little gem.

11. Picking up pizza on at Domino's. He hands over his American Express and the brain child on the till says....

Girl "Cool credit card"

B "It's just an American Express...haven't you even seen one before"

Girl "No...are you american?"

B "What...no"

Girl "Don't you have to be an American to have an American Express card."

B " Ahhh...no"

Girl "Oh...I thought you have to be american to have one...my parents told me I couldn't have one because I have to be american."

Wow...........