The Book of Awesome

Have you seen this book at Costco?  It might be the best mood lifter upper you'll ever find.  It's based on the blog 1000awesomethings.com also worth reading.

Just a few of my favorite from the list....(five cause more than that is too much effort).  Now you can go to the blog and read his commentary on this,  but we all know that I'm going to now proceed to make my own commentary.

#997 Locking people out of the car and pretending to drive away

Okay,  my first thought on this particular point is this should be mandatory for all people who are irritating.  If you bug me,  for whatever reason I find pertinent,  then we should take a drive together.  I will be driving,  obviously,  and you will be jogging/fast walking beside the car trying to gain access.  Now the time of access will depend on just exactly how much you irritate me,  and what you have done to qualify for the #997.  So,  consider your action before going anywhere in the car with me.  You're about to be schooled.

#981 Wearing underwear straight out of the dryer

This is may be the best stress relief ever.  I mean what could be better than a warm bottom end.  Now,  if you have a new fancy washer and dryer,  like I do,  be careful with this point of awesomeness.  When the heat options go from mild to extreme,  you should take this into account before running bottom less to your laundry room,  waiting in a breezy fashion while the dryer finishes and then whippin on those toasty babies.  Burn factor is all I'm saying.  Especially if you're in the odd and head shaking category of life and have some sort of zipper on your underoos.

#967 Illegal Naps

What qualifies as an illegal nap?  Really,  at what point would the unconsciousness REALLY be ILLEGAL.  There are likely some vastly inappropriate times for a nap....and that's right sports fans...now I will share what I consider those to be.

~ While using the facilities.  Now hold up cowpokes.  I know what the male version are thinking....."What?!  that's the perfect place for a little snoozer".  Well,  the reason I know that this is a bad place for such things is that a) I have pictures of all of my children asleep on the potty seat,  do you want that sort of thing out there?  b) What if you fell off,  huh?  Just think about that.  c) How do you balance?  Head back against the wall?  to the side on the counter?  forward on your knees and forearms.  That's just too much prep for me.  And if you have to balance like that,  it's a hard surface on your skull.  That means that part of your skull is going to fall asleep...and likely a pillow is also not recommended.  Forget the National Geographic and Sports Illustrated,  a pile of pillows maybe?

~ At work.  If you are George Kastanza then you already tried to think about this location, and rig up the under desk for a nap time wonderland.   Doesn't matter how much you Chris Angel it,  you cannot pull  it off..."I wasn't sleeping,  just thinking intensely with my head on my desk."  "No really,  my eyes are always closed  like this, and a pool of drool is there for....washing?"  "This line on my face has been there since this morning when I woke up,  I don't have very bouncy skin"

~ Continuing in the "not likely a good idea to nap at work"...let's consider the occupations where this would be especially wrong.  E & M...their jobs....no no.  Anything that involves you holding something sharp and metal (which don't they say not to put that stuff near your teeth,  and yet Mr. Professional not only does that for a long time,  but with force) near my mouth,  teeth and face....please stay alert and on guard.   GSIL's job,  not likely to be productive in the picture taking arena,  if she's el snoozo.  And little Bro...and the flying aircraft....hmmm...big no no.

~ On a date.  First of all,  what does that say about the other person if you suddenly lay your head back,  curl up on the booth seat,   fall off your chair during a conversation.  Yawner,  get a personality.  Now,  maybe you're a hard worker,  burning the midnight oil as it were.  Then please,  put a sign around your neck or something.  "Warning,  warning...."  It's just good manners.  Further,  if they come back from the potty and you are asleep,  what are they supposed to do?  What if this is a blind date?  Or only your first or second?  Dude,  they don't even know your last name yet...never name having to shake you awake.  What if you have a night terror?  Or farted in your sleep?  Ohhhh,  this isn't going to end well....no good night kiss for you.

(I know what you're thinking......oh thank Hansel and Gretel....SHE'S BACK!!!  Well,  I have some time to kill at this moment,  and have some good mental health at the moment,  which confusingly  means lots of head shaking stuff on the blog....back for now,  no guarantees...stop pressuring me!)

~ Skiing....enough said.

~ Pie Eating Contest...just sayin.

~ Beauty Pageant.  Now,  as you probably are well aware,  I've been in many of these...and have a padded lovely room in my home with all my trophies and ribbons.  Big hair accessories...in fact the big hair is there too. I just take it off and put it on the shelf.  Anyway,  enough about me.  I can't think of a single point where napping would be good.  Not during the swimsuit competition,  the talent show (baton twirling especially,  ofr anything with flames) and FOR SURE not during the question answering.  Seriously,  that's hard enough for them to get through,  never name if even slightly asleep.  I aced this part,  of course.

#956 Using Rock, Paper, Scissors to solve anything

Wouldn't this make life so much easier?!  Well,  it has it's pro's and cons.  First of all,  how many tries?  Best 2 our of 3....4 out of 5?  And who decides?  The guy who's trying to win,  or the one who's trying to limit?  Need a mortgage....are you the decider or the banker?  Okay,  so for simplicity sake....let's say that you always get to be the decider.  

I think these are the types of decisions that could be best solved with Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Having children (now already this is going to cause controversy cause if you want a baby,  and he just wants the making the baby part....well you're both going to lose if Scissors cuts your paper)

Buying a new car

Quitting a job

Buying fast food or eating salad

Driving to Regina.....(if only our Rock has smashed their Scissors!!)

But these seem to be times when the RPS (it just takes too long to type) is maybe not recommended.

Sky Diving,  after jumping

During a Tattoo

Hair color when the foil is already on

When looking at the new piercing in the mirror

During a root canal.

Just my thoughts,  I'm open to your suggestions.

#946 The first shower you take after not showering for a really long time 

How long is "a really long time"?  Like after Trek was pretty great (email me if this means nothing to you...cause I know that 90% of my readers just nodded and said "oh ya" in their heads) Camping...ya,  maybe.  But it seems like "a really long time" would indicate that dreads have started and those nails that grow so long that they start to curl.  (Why is it that whenever they show these people in the Guiness book of World Records, they are always trying to hold a pen and write.  Are they authors and just didn't get around to clipping...for 45 years?!)  Or remember when they told that story growing up that you had a growth on your face and it opened up one day and spiders came out....yes I had a disturbing childhood.  That would seem like " a really long time since cleansing".  If it's been "a really long time"  how long should that shower be required to be.   For me,  even going more than a day without washing my mop of hair,  it takes a solid two washings for the soap to get through the hair,  like right to my noggin.  What if you had the dreads that were piled on your head,  and had things hanging and moved on their own like Medusa-ish.  Possibly that would be the time for some Herbal Essence.  (What's with those commercials...really....dumb)

Well,  my five is done...and I seem to be on a roll....wahaha....a few more then.

#935 Eating cookies like Cookie Monster

This should be a requirement before starting any long term serious relationship.  If you do it badly,  well that is clearly a bad choice in mate.  But what qualifies as doing it well?  Velocity?  Range?  Crumb Coverage?   I know,  points to ponder.

#914 Surprise Two Ply

All I can say about this....is.....ewwwww.  Purell Please.

#851 Your Family car growing up

This one is confusing.  Does you car grow?  Mine must be defective because every single day,  it looks the same.  Never have I come out and found a mega beast on my drive way. But this point seems to indicate otherwise.  I'm asking for a refund.

#781 Guys who wear not shirts at cold sporting events

Now,  this really is awesome.  What if it's was "I'm on a horse guy...."  Ooooohh la la.

#695 Walking around with a black eye

That seems to be gender specific....and my impression of the book and blog is that it is male created.  Boy black eye..."I'm a tough guy"  Girl black eye....hmmmm

#658 When you meet up with a group of friends and they stop talking to celebrate your arrival 

You are all terrible terrible people....this has never happened to me...and it would seem a NO BRAINER that it should.  Go to your rooms and think about what you've done....I better see a DRASTIC change in behavior.

#598 Secretly sniffing your armpits and realizing you don't stink

This action is not as secret as you think it is.  There are no motions that I can think of that naturally bring your armpits anywhere near your face....really.  I double dog dare you to give me an example.  So if you think you're secretly doing anything,  I'm here to tell you Professor Plum,  you are mistaken.  However,  that being said...when you find out that roses are what best replicates your pits ....congrats...that's awesome.  But that doesn't happen that often...

Alright,  I can't use up all my wittiness in one day....that would NOT be awesome.